Fall season is my first love, but so bittersweet. The cycles and break-ups have been uncanny and rough to bare. The relationship has good moments, but could never stabilize into eternity. Somehow, fall season always dominate my brain behavior. The presence of fall season is so overwhelming.
I was so hopeful that each time we connected it was going to be better; only to be bitter. I used to enjoy fall season; I anticipated the transition of colors in the earth, but I believe the constant of change and disruptive flow in my life created hurt. I hate to see the fall season coming. I’m just too old to endure. It’s like having a newborn baby at the age of 65; it’s not for me no matter the beauty.
I’ve tried ignoring fall season, praying for a shorter season. I live in fear of the same ole’ same ole’: not enough money, short on opportunity, and life uncertainty. Fall season brings changes in relationships, priorities, and a calming that almost creates a depressive pace. Somehow, I’ve got to follow the theme of my life right now and “pick this up too.” I used to love the fall season, but we’ve had a fall out and I need to reconcile that relationship. We are not on the same page, we don’t have the same energy and we don’t have the same flow and frequency. Fall and I are in conflict and miscommunication. Fall doesn’t listen to me and that bothers me. Can you at least understand my concerns? Why do you own the pace? Why do you dominate the day? Fall and I have fall’n out. I’m not the one that keeps going back, fall keeps showing up-year after year after year. This relationship is just too bitter to bare. I can’t live without you, I can’t live with you. I have to realize that perhaps what I want long-term was only designed for temporary. I can’t allow the seasonal to be eternal.
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It was a great challenge to resume my biking regimen and some weeks, I did not bike because the recovery from the last ride was quite extensive! I stayed with the same trail all summer; it began with an easy downhill path, with a sharp turn to a flat surface and smooth ride until the return home. During the last 10 minutes of the ride, I always faced a very, very steep incline; I would walk my bike up the steepest part of the hill. I would get on the bike and attempt the incline, but could not shift the gears quick enough. I kept getting on and then off the bike during the incline because the requirements to champion the hill were just too great for me (so I believed).
I was frustrated and decided to change my route and stop the self-torture of what was obviously not meant for me to champion. I felt the route did not fit my skill or ability. Full of frustration, I began researching other routes that aligned with my skill level and would still provide me with some exercise. I tried one alternative route-EPIC FAIL. I was quickly bored, frustrated and overwhelmed with disappointment.
One day I researched the bike gears and the incline strategies. I decided to try the original route again. As my bike ride came to the last 10 minutes, I could feel my heart racing and anxiety rising in fear of failure. I used the gearshift strategy I researched and studied and before I knew it, in less than 3 minutes, I completed the incline of the steep hill! I just needed to research and learn how to shift gears. My regret…I spent all summer in an on and off routine, and now I’ll have to flex my new skills next summer. Interesting how I had the tools but lack the knowledge in using them. Sometimes we think we know what we’re doing…